Open Adoption Roundtable #20 : Production, Not Reproduction | A blog about open adoption & host of Open Adoption Bloggers

Open Adoption Roundtable #20 : Production, Not Reproduction A blog about open adoption & host of Open Adoption Bloggers

The prompt for this roundtable discussion is about "siblings in open-adoption."

It's SO interesting that this very real dynamic has just played out in our family. Here's the gist of it:

We had not seen our oldest son's birth mom R for 17 months. Life circumstances, all of us busy, we just couldn't get together. R has 2 children younger than our son Silas--T is 3 (boy) and S is 18 months (girl). We always refer to them as R's kids, T & S. We have been unsure as to WHEN to introduce the idea that they are Silas' half brother and sister. I guess I was afraid to go into the whole "birds and bees" talk, he's just 8 years old. We were able to finally visit last weekend, so Silas got to play with both of them. On the way home after the visit, he said "Wow, I have a SISTER!". (I guess the idea of having a sister is special since he already has his everyday brother, Stephen). And so the explanations began. He gets the whole process about who's tummy he was in, why she chose us to be his parents, and how things changed that she is now able to parent T & S, whereas she wasn't prepared when Silas came along. We told him that we had not referred to them as his brother and sister just to save him the confusion and that we were waiting until we felt he could understand it completely. He said, "Mom, you know I'm smart--you know I could figure it out!". Yes, he is a very smart boy! We also talked about it being our responsibility to make sure the siblings are able to stay in touch while they are young, but as they grow, it will be their choice to have a relationship with one another. Silas assured us that he will go to see them when he is 16 and can drive himself! It was really good that the conversation evolved naturally, and we didn't have to make an "event" out of it. Maybe we should have had this conversation earlier, but it is so hard knowing when the right time is. I pray that both of our boys know that there is nothing that is off limits when it comes to their stories. There will come a time when these matter-of-fact conversations will be tough to have, just because both of them will come to fully understand the loss (and gain) that comes with adoption. I wonder too what kind of conversation the siblings will have with one another when they come of age. Will each side be resentful of the other side for what one had and one didn't? Will they accept that all of their parents made the right decisions at the time? Only time will tell, we just have to do the best we can for now.